Monday, December 22, 2008

Confessing....

I sit here sad because I miss my Pap-paw. If you know me you know that I loved my Pap-paw more than anything. I have written about him before and I still cant express my feelings about him. He got cancer the treatment didn't work and he died.... He was just gone from our lives just like that.

I went through the motions of dealing with death I went through the sadness and I tried to be strong for everyone. But I thought as time went on things would get easier but it hasn't, I just have this empty loss in my heart. Yes the holidays are a hard time but honestly I miss him more everyday. My Granny is my hero she lost her husband and best friend but still has the courage to go on. My Mom lost her dad and she still goes on, my brothers lost their Pap-paw too and they still go on. I still got on but with the emptiness in my heart.

I try to make light of it but I am angry at God for taking my Pap-Paw all I can say is "why' but I know that God has his plan but was it Gods plan to hurt my family?

I write all this to confess that I am scared to death of death.Its a fear that stops me in my tracks and consumes me. I also confess that I am really struggling with my faith in God. I know that if my Pap-paw was here he would give me a big hug and answer my questions and he would also tell me I should never doubt my faith.

I sit here typing with a heavy heart in tears hoping that by typing this out would help but it doesn't. I am still sad, still so sad for my Granny, still angry with God and still wishing my Pap-Paw was here. I know everyone has had to deal with death but I am strong enough to confess that I fear it

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